I Always Will
by MakeMeWhole
Summary: Drabble of what I wish happened with Dan and Serena after episode 4x10. Includes Serena's reasons for loving Dan - throwback to episode 1x13. One shot, but I may continue. Please read and review!


Hey, everyone. I just wrote a little drabble of what I wish would happen after episode 4x10 of Gossip Girl with Dan and Serena. I've always loved this couple and am so happy we're seeing them almost back together. Please read and review! Feedback is the best thing for writers. Lots of love.

_She felt that her whole life was some kind of dream…and she sometimes wondered whose it was...and whether they were enjoying it._

She's been there two whole days.

Her mother and Eric have been in and out. Blair stopped by. Even Dorota came to give her a hug. And even with all this company, she still feels all alone.

The former nights are blurry. The party. Saints. Sinners. Broken friendships, broken hearts. Another lonely night living as Serena Van der Woodsen, waiting in the dense air of the living and the privileged for the lightning conductor of pain. Happiness would never stay too long.

She remembers only one thing for sure now. It's all she cares to know. All she cares to feel and to remember. His belief in her meant everything. The look in his eyes. Before she kissed him. After she kissed him. It was the same, reassuring, loving, purely honest look he often gave her years before. She could visibly see his heart break for her. His damaged lover. She chose him, then chose herself. Her health, 90% mental, 10% physical. If that even matters.

_"I wasn't wrong to believe in you. I still do…I always will."_

_Why_, she wanted to say. _What reason do I give you to always stand by me when no one else in the world does? My feelings for you have never changed. This is where I belong. Where I want to stay. Open your arms so I can fit into them forever. _Her words got caught in her tight throat. She kissed him instead. Softly, quickly, sad and brokenly. Then she left him there, the sting of her kiss still on his sweet lips.

Their story was far from over. She knew it and hoped he did, too. Life had given them writer's block. A pause where new ideas fashioned and lingered before it went back to the original plan.

They had often spoke of their forever.

"…_I said it was 'cause you and I are forever. I know I was right."_

What a splendid concept. Forever.

At a point in her life, she actually wished for it. She had lived freely without any concern about the future. And then it was all she thought about. Her forever with him. A beautiful, mysterious future full of unknown details, plans and nights spent together. He had become her ray of light – her hope in the darkness of absolute negation.

Hope_. What a splendid concept._

He's there without notice, kicking off his shoes, tossing his jacket onto the couch by the door. He climbs onto the bed now without saying a word, and gently lays on top of her, face to face, cocooning her body with his limbs. She momentarily stops breathing, wonders if she's dreaming this. He must be a hallucination. A rush of his scent blows into her face. It's not a dream.

"Hey" he whispers, simply.

She manages to utter a small greeting in exchange. Her lungs fill with meaningless air. The oxygen isn't helping her breathe.

They lay there, saying nothing, maybe not knowing _what_ to say, minute after minute. He wishes he could tell her he wanted to come sooner. He brushes his nose against hers, smells the lingering scent of her shampoo familiarly, grazes his lips against her cheeks and hands like he always used to. All of this is routine now. They know every inch of each other, and touch and smell - the senses of comfort…of rekindled love.

She examines his face. It's different. Older now. His rounded, baby-like features faded with time. His jaw and cheekbones are harder, more defined, like a man. His eyes are the same (only a little less innocent). His lips are, too. His hair is a bit longer – messy and tousled and coiled at his forehead. She runs her fingers through it once, flattening it, feeling his thick curls slide between her knuckles. His eyes roll back at the sensation.

His face is flushed pink from the cold wind outside. His eyelashes flutter loosely as he gazes down above her. She's thoughtful for a moment as she fiddles with his collar. He looks down at the pillows, inhaling lazily in the shapeless silence. He wonders if he should ask how she is. He may already know the answer.

She feels suddenly bold, brave and reassuring. They haven't really gotten a chance to talk, and she wonders if this will make things awkward, or tenser than they already are. Their first meeting since…

_To_ _hell_ _with_ _it_. The words come out.

"I love you, you know," she murmurs, her little voice barely making any sound.

His eyes blink dreamily, the light in the corner of the room illuminating his dark pupils. They glaze over as they roam around her features. She gets lost in them. The corner of his mouth gently lifts in a half smile, his face showing a certain kind of relief he hasn't felt in a long time. He has clearly been waiting to hear those words again.

"I'm sorry it took so long for me to tell you," she says in confession. "To choose. I just felt horrible for what happened with Nate, and I didn't know how to work it out with him without ruining our friendship, and…then Colin…I…I was so stupid."

"It's okay," he insists, interrupting. She knows it's not, but lets him finish. "We're here, together, now. Forget whatever happened in the past. I want to focus on our future."

Future. _What_ _a_ _splendid_ _concept_.

He plants a soft kiss on her cheek. The intimate contact makes her shiver. Her heart pounds in her chest. She can feel every gradual beat as it pumps affluent blood through her veins. What an effect he had. On her brain and body. She wonders if her heart ever really beat at all before she met him.

She's still thoughtful. These days, she had nothing but time. And had nothing to do but think and talk and confess. Her eyes close, and she remains silent, retrieving a memory from the back of her mind.

"You remember the first time you told me you loved me?" Nostalgia consumes her. "All the reasons why?"

He nods. "I have so many more." His voice is deep, mysterious and tired. He moves hair away from her neck so he can plant a fresh kiss on the revealed skin.

"I just wish it could be like that again." Her voice is honest, sorrowful. "I wish we never screwed it up. We could be those teenagers in that kind of love still."

He puts his weight on one elbow. "Maybe we can. Despite everything that's happened." His fingers still play with the ends of her hair – it's something he always used to do when they laid and talked.

"I don't look at you any differently now than I did then." His eyes prove it. The pedestal he always puts her on is high and gleaming again. He's looking at her the way she remembers it. The way no one else ever looked at her before. Only him.

"Everybody makes mistakes. Does things they're not proud of, but…you're still…Serena Van der Woodsen," he continues. "The untouchable. The forbidden, hypnotizing, sweet, and beautiful and…disastrous…and far too good for me."

She scoffs, gently rolling her eyes. "If there's anything you've learned in the past three years, it should be that I'm definitely not too good for you. Or anyone."

His ability to say things like that out loud still astonishes her. He has a way with words unlike anyone else she's ever known. He lightly swipes the hair away from her forehead and cheek, letting it lie flat against the pillow. His fingertips linger in the blonde strands briefly as he looks into her eyes. They are shallow, defeated, drained…lonely. He just wants to engulf himself in her. Find a place where they could hide from everyone for the rest of their lives. Everyone needs a sanctuary.

"And why do you love _me_?" he asks, timid. "I mean…why me and not Nate?"

She doesn't know what to say first. She doesn't really know how she chose, and sometimes wonders if there was ever really a reason for a choice to begin with. She feels like it was him all along, and she just looked for excuses not to believe or act on her feelings.

"_I_ _was_ _scared_" she wanted to say. "_Of_ _me?"_ Her mind takes her back to that night in his room. _"No…well, yes, but…it's just nobody's ever looked at me the way you just did."_

It was just a profound instinct, really, her picking him. Written somewhere deep in the longest book or within the clusters of stars that nobody could ever see in the city. His name was scribbled across her heart. Engraved. Burned in. Left in ink from the most permanent of markers. She was just meant to love this boy, unconditionally, without question, forever. Forever. _What_ _a_ _splendid_ _concept_. She thinks, in fact, something unseen chose him for her.

She rubs her thumb against his dimple. First thing that comes to mind. "I love you because you smile with your eyes. Then the corner of your mouth forms one, too. It's crooked and…warm and genuine."

He half grins in exactly the way she just described. His dimple line gets deeper. "I love your silliness." She goes on now. "How you rant about authors I've never heard of…how you tell horrible jokes…the way you stutter and ramble at people when you're nervous."

He shakes his head, smiling and grimacing at his own awkwardness. She touches his chin with her fingertips, then grazes it lightly with the pad of her thumb. His stubble slides against it.

"How you're so protective of Jenny…your father…and me." She sighs, laying her hand vertically flat against the side of his face, palm against his cheek.

He still plays with the ends of her hair and tucks a few strands behind her ear. He kisses her impulsively, gently and slow, but abrupt. She inhales against him and holds that breath for a couple of seconds. His lips are warm and sweet and familiar. The kiss is short.

"There's another reason," she says as he pulls back with a smile, his eyes still closed. "You look at me like that…and you brush the hair away from my face before you kiss me. It's how all the cute guys in movies start a kiss."

Her smile fades now as her eyes meet his again. Everything else in the room falls away. More silence. She sighs deeply, feeling the heaviness of her situation set in again. She's waited to talk about this with him, the only person who always understands and gets through to her. Always. _What_ _a_ _splendid_ _concept_.

"You're always the only one who believes in me," she whispers. His eyebrows furrow. "Not even Blair believed I didn't do it. My mom. Eric…Nate."

She shakes her head. "I mean, why should they? All I do is let people down, right? It's expected of me." She exhales a bitter half-laugh, begins to get emotional. "It's always you. Even when there's no reason to still believe there's some good in me."

He doesn't hesitate to explain. "I knew you wouldn't OD. You're smarter than that." He gently rubs her side back and forth with his palm.

She scoffs again. "Another reason. I love you because you reassure my intelligence and intuition when no one else does…not even me."

He chuckles softly. She pauses again, trying to formulate another reason. The words come to her.

"And I love you…because…you _know_ me. What I think and feel and…what I want to hear. You always know what to say to comfort me, help me through things."

She moves her hand up to clutch around his forearm. "You wrap me up in your arms, and I feel safe. Just like that," she says. "It's like…I don't want to be afraid anymore…because deep down I hope you'll always be there to catch me when I fall…even when I give you no reason to stay." She shrugs. "To keep loving me."

"You give me plenty of reasons," he whispers. "Remember all the ones I listed for you. I could go on and on forever." Forever. _What_ _a_ _splendid_ _concept_.

He touches her face now. His thumb slides across her cheek as hers did his. It catches a fallen tear, making it vanish.

"It's always been you" she whispers diffidently. "Through all of it."

She looks down, playing with his collar again, hoping if she's distracted with her hands this will come out easier.

"I pushed you away." He listens. "I'm just scared that one day I'll do something to ruin everything…and you'll give up on me or leave like the rest of them do."

"I won't." he says.

"I don't want to end up like my mother." She looks away and rolls her eyes. "I'm already on my way to that. I'm enough like her already."

"You won't, Serena." Stern again. Stern Dan always snapped her out of it. "We've been through so much in these past four years. I've seen you in good times and bad times…and I've loved you _all _the time." She looks up at him now.

"When I said I'll always believe in you I meant it. Not the image of you I had when I was 15…the person I see now who has so much potential for greatness…who isn't as confident with herself as she should be."

Her eyes well up now. He really knows her better than anyone.

"You can be anything, Serena." He wipes moisture away from the edge of her eye. "I've seen your effect on people. I feel your effect on me."

'_You're completely unaware of your effect on me…'_ His reason echoes in her mind.

"I'm always gonna be around." he says. "Years from now, if I'm still here or a thousand miles away…if you need me, I'll come."

She holds his face with both hands, and pulls his head down so their foreheads are touching. Silent tears drip down her face and neck and collect on the pillowcase.

"I love you," she repeats, not feeling afraid. It's so simple to say it now. She wonders why she was ever afraid to say those words to him. Here, it felt so natural. Love. _What_ _a_ _splendid_ _concept_.

"And I love you", he says, echoing her response to his own list years earlier.

He leans his face into the crook of her neck, the heat radiating into his nose. Their bodies fit together. She holds his head in place, snaking her fingers into his hair. She shuts her eyes tightly, pushing the remaining tears out to slide down in their collection. She hugs him against her. Home. Finally.

His hand finds her face and wipes her streaking tears away. "I hate when you cry."

Again, he kisses her. It's impulse. Just kiss the pain away. She breathes him in with all the lung capacity she has. He doesn't leave her mouth for a second. No urgency usurps them. It's deep and passionate, a reflection of love and affection more than anything else. Their first real kiss since last spring, now with more meaning and love. His hand slides down to her waist. He grips her hip tightly and slips his thumb under her shirt to glide against her skin.

"We can't do anything," she whispers against his lips. "Not here."

He pulls back only slightly. "I know, I know." He restrains himself, breathing heavily, still resting his forehead against hers. He slides his hand out and pulls her shirt back down. He grumbles in his throat. It's been so long…what he would give…

She grazes her fingertips against his lips. "I wish we could." Her fingers tangle in his hair as she kisses him again. He groans into her mouth in agreement. "Well…mmm." She silences him with another kiss. "Maybe when you get out of here…"

A knock on the door pulls them out of it. The door opens slowly and a man's head pops in the crack. "Ms. Van der Woodsen. I'm sorry, but…visiting hours are over," he says, looking at Dan, who's face is now a nice shade of crimson. Their position is awfully compromising. "You'll have to come back tomorrow."

Just another night at Ostroff. She was there voluntarily, but it still felt like a prison.

Dan nods, and the man disappears behind the door. Dan looks back at Serena, her eyes glazing over again. He groans again, dropping his head against her collarbone. He moves off her a little.

"I wish you didn't have to go," she says sadly.

"Me too. I hate that we have time limits." He plants another quick kiss on her lips. She sits up as he rolls off her, getting to his feet. He begins gathering his things. She gets up too as he puts himself together. "I'll be back tomorrow," he promises. "Breakfast?"

She nods, gently rubbing the fabric of his jacket. He touches her hand as she rubs, bringing it up around his neck, pulling her in. "You gonna be okay?"

She nods again, but he knows her comforting smile is fake. An act. He pulls her against him by the waist, snaking his arms around her back. He buries his face in her hair as they simply hug. He feels her sigh into his embrace. Her hands find the back of his head again. She closes her eyes, wishing time could stop and just leave them alone.

They part, and it pains them both to let go, even if it's only until the morning. All of this is old, but technically new again. The contact, the feelings of love they're allowed to feel for each other again. It hurts to pull away. To not be able to hold each other in the darkness, feel each other breathing, listen to their hearts beat in synchronization.

He lets her hand slide through his fingers and bounce gently against her leg. He walks backwards to the door, giving her a longing look before turning around to open it. He stops, holding it open, turning to look back at her.

"I still love your 4-year-old laugh," he says, his voice breaking the deafening silence. "I hope I get to hear it again soon."

She smiles stiffly, acknowledging his words. She barely even remembers the sound of her own laugh either.

"So, how's 10 o'clock?"

She nods. "Good."

"I'll be here."

He closes the door. Gone almost as quickly as he came.

She knows he'll be there. He's always there.

When no one else is.

Always.

_What_ _a_ _splendid_ _concept_.

Again, please review for me. Thank you for reading!


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